Friday evening, 5.35 pm, in the main bar of the Bulls and Bears in the City (London),
a favourite watering hole of Financial Masters of the Universe
5
and would‐be FMUs:
Bondage, nonchalantly leaning against the bar: Hi, I guess that the red carnation
you are sporting indicates that you are the gentleman from Menacyn. Bondage, at your
service!
von Spectre: My goodness, public schoolboys are indeed forward!
Bondage: Very droll! My name is Bondage, James Bondage.
von Spectre: Sorry, unable to resist! Good evening James, my name is Mamba von Spectre,
but you can call me Mam. Shall we sit in that inconspicuous corner over there where
everyone can see us but, with this happy hour noise, no‐one can hear us. Let us have
a drink – my friends checked this place out in advance and it seems to be reasonably
safe.
Bondage: Sure – let's have a Jäger‐Train6 between us; then we can be reasonably sure
that our drink does not contain anything untoward.
von Spectre: Good idea. Miss! We'd like a Jäger‐Train– a 10‐er should initially suffice.
A few minutes later, after chairs around the corner table are re‐, and re‐, and re‐arranged
to provide both with adequate lines of sight to the multiple entrances and other doors:
Bondage: So Mam… what does Menacyn have in mind this time that requires the attention
of Her Majesty's Secret Service?
von Spectre: Ah, James – you always get straight to the point, unlike the fetching
and ever‐so diplomatic Miss Geld‐Groschen…… HM Secret Service, did you say? MIH577
is more like HM Unsecret Service, after our friends at Wackidribbles did their public‐spirited
work.
Ok, just a bit of background to put you in the picture. As you are almost certainly
aware, recent research has shown that human milk contains a remarkable number of a
type of compound called human milk oligosaccharides, or HMOs, which, unexpectedly,
do not nourish the baby, but instead serve as food for intestinal microbes with the
moniker Bifidobacterium, or Bif for short8. Breast feeding thus provides a continual
selective advantage for Bif, which has otherwise to compete with other bugs that ordinarily
colonise the infant intestine.
And the neat thing is: Bif, unlike these other bugs, orchestrates correct development
of the immune system, which is essential for optimal protection against infections
and development of allergies8. Apparently, Bif is a very hairy bug, having appendages
called tight adherence pili and sortase‐dependent pili, and special polymers of sugars,
that establish intimate contacts with the infant intestinal surfaces and mediate the
bacterium:host dialogues, that are key to correct development of the immune and inflammatory
systems. Cow's milk, though nutritious for infants, does not select for Bif, and the
other bugs that colonise the infant intestine are not nearly as effective at building
an effective immune system.
Thus: without Bif in infancy, people are less effective at handling infections and
are much more prone to develop allergies. Are you following me?
Bondage: Of course – this is common knowledge.
von Spectre: Good! What is not common knowledge is that Menacyn scientists have developed
an anti‐Bif virus cocktail that kills all known bifidobacteria, except one, a designer
Bif that Menacyn researchers have created and named Menacynbif. Menacynbif can only
grow when provided with a secret baby formula we have developed in parallel, and called
Bifgro. We have packaged the phage cocktail in a microcapsule that ensures virus survival
under all the different conditions that might be encountered in the various routes
we plan for delivery, but that dissolves in the intestine to release the virus.
Without Bif, the world will become more susceptible to mild common infections, like
flu, and nuisance allergies. Furthermore, Menacyn scientists have developed a powerful
new synthetic allergen, called Hisrallergen, which provokes a histamine storm, that
cannot be relieved with anti‐histamines in people deprived of Bif‐orchestrated immune
development, and which causes non‐stop sneezing the whole day long. Hisrallergen,
or HAG for short, is readily distributed by amateur drones. The resulting diminished
visual acuity and mental attention, and the messing up of keyboards downstream of
noses, means that anyone using a computer makes constant errors: imagine what this
will, for example, do to the daily business of the world's financial centres!
Bondage: Interesting… and I daresay that Menacyn has done all this for a reason that
you would like to communicate to HM Government?
von Spectre: Exactly; that is the purpose of this evening's tête‐a tête, or Jäger‐Train…
shall we order another? Miss: same again, please!
As I was saying, we have the wherewithal to eliminate Bif in countries we target with
our anti‐Bif viruses, and thereby create health and economic havoc. Additionally,
we have Menacynbif, which is not affected by the anti‐Bif viruses and orchestrates
correct immune development. We now propose to offer HMGov access to Menacynbif for
the entire population of the UK and HM Overseas Territories in return for the totality
of its currency reserves, including the rather pathetic amount of gold remaining after
the catastrophic fire sale9 in the late 90s to early 00s. Since Menacynbif requires
certain secret nutrients in Bifgro, and dies without them, it will also be necessary
to enter into an irrevocable 100‐year contract to purchase a national supply of Bifgro
annually. The alternative is health and economic chaos for HM realm that would ensue
which, believe me – we have done the economic evaluation10 calculations – would greatly
exceed the cost of access to Menacynbif.
Bondage: Okay, so that is the game. Unfortunately for you, Mam, and your Menacyn cronies,
MIH57 anticipated all this ages ago and has a neat defence in the drawer. Let me enlighten
you with a little bit of the story. Some years ago, we commissioned the development
of a purely synthetic, genetically‐stripped down version of Bif, called Synbif, which
has all the desired immune stimulating properties of Bif, but is entirely resistant
to all known phages. The microbiologists who developed Synbif – a strategic alliance
between the Lorenzo von Syntech High Security Institute for Artificial Life in Madrid,
headed by the world‐renowned Professor Vic Torde, and a secret high‐tech germ warfare
defence group, reportedly located at Porton Up! – also engineered into it a couple
of properties that make it super competitive, such that, when ingested, it eliminates
all other Bif strains. If and when necessary, Synbif can be deployed anywhere in the
world to eliminate Menacynbif, and thereby neutralise any security threat represented
by Menacynbif for the UK and its allies. Synbif, like Menacynbif, also has specific
nutritional requirements that must be delivered as a dietary supplement called Synbifgro,
so it can itself be easily eliminated at any point after deployment, once the all‐clear
is given, and Bif can be safely returned to normal duty via a probiotic.
von Spectre: Well done James! A wonderful impromptu story! But: to have something
like this, you would have had to have done some pretty serious human trials that would
not have gone unnoticed, so I am rather sure that Synbif is a figment of your imagination.
Bondage: Well, Mam, you can of course believe whatever you wish, but I suppose that
your Menacyn superiors will be at least a little nervous. And… just to make them a
tad more nervous, I'll give you a little more intelligence. Three secret trials were
indeed carried out: one by us on a well‐populated island off HM coast, and subsequently
two of our Southern European allies each carried out a trial on one of their offshore
islands. Obviously, the results have not been published, but all trials were successful.
von Spectre: This also does not appear credible: the famed transparency of the democratic
British system would have created an uproar, so I cannot imagine HMGov wanting to
run the risk of an adverse public reaction.
Bondage: Actually old sport, HMGov is not always as transparent as one might imagine
and, since the folks on the island in question pay very little tax, and thus have
little clout with the Treasury, and hence HMGov in general, MIH57 was not too concerned.
So, actually I think it is Menacyn that is now on the back foot. It seems that we
might have yet again achieved stalemate.
Miss! Please bring us that bottle of 1990 Romanée‐Conti I asked you to order for this
evening: we both need to re‐educate our palates!
Bar person: Sorry, Sir: your favourite wine purveyor in St. James's Street ran out
of the 1990 vintage on bonus day and could only provide the 1989.
Bondage: Dinna worry lass, the 1989 is also reasonably drinkable and will save HMGov
about a grand.
Conflict of interest
None declared.