We consider the viability of new heavy gauge singlet scalar particles at the LHC. Our motivation for this study comes from the possibility of a new particle with mass ~ 750 GeV decaying significantly into two photons at LHC, but our analysis applies more broadly. We show that there are significant constraints from astrophysics and cosmology on the simplest UV complete models that incorporate such a particle and its associated collider signal. The simplest and most obvious UV complete model that incorporates the signal is that it arises from a new singlet scalar (or pseudo-scalar) coupled to a new electrically charged and colored heavy fermion. Here we show that these new fermions (and anti-fermions) would be produced in the early universe, then form new color singlet heavy mesons with light quarks, obtain a non-negligible freeze-out abundance, and remain in kinetic equilibrium until decoupling. These heavy mesons possess interesting phenomenology, dependent on their charge, including forming new bound states with electrons and protons. We show that a significant number of these heavy states would survive for the age of the universe and an appreciable number would eventually be contained within the earth and solar system. We show that this leads to detectable consequences, including the production of highly energetic events from annihilations on earth, new spectral lines, and, spectacularly, the destabilization of stars. The lack of detection of these consequences rules out such simple UV completions, putting pressure on the viability of such new particles at LHC. To incorporate such a scalar would require either much more complicated UV completions or even further new physics that provides a decay channel for the associated fermion.